This post may contain affiliate links for more info visit my disclosure page.
I was debating to whether to write about this on here as it has nothing to do with its niche. This blog is a part of me and I am a real human behind it, so I think if you’re going to follow me to learn about how to make money online, you will sometimes hear about my life. Hope that’s okay.
This past weekend, my pug of 13 years passed away. He was named Merlot, after the red wine I used to drink a lot of during that time. I’ve always wanted pug as long as I can remember. I finally was able to get one when I rented an apartment that allowed dogs. It was my first apartment with my then boyfriend, who’s now my husband of ten years, and even though he wasn’t fond of small dogs, he knew how much I wanted one so he obliged and we went on our search.
We visited many pug breeders and finally found one that was just right. 🙂 He was so tiny when we first visited him:
He stayed with his mommy for 12.5 weeks and I was able to pick him on my birthday in Sep 2003. It was the best birthday present ever! He was so shy when he first came into our home. He was in fact frozen and didn’t really move. We even tried giving him a toy and he stayed very still:
We finally won his heart by offering him a piece of dog food. Ever since then that first bite of food, he was part of our family forever.
His two most favorite thing: Eat and Sleep. When he ate, he was so top heavy and so into his food that both of his hind legs would lift up so he can dig his face into his bowl. That was the funniest thing he’s ever done, I don’t think I’ve ever taken a picture of that, now I wished I did.
He had a great life those first 6 years. I used to take him to pug parties in Chicago, where we lived at the time and where he was born. Pugs and their pug owners would gather at a certain place and all the pugs would get to play together. It was always a fun event.
I used to dress him up for different occasions especially for Halloween and Christmas (for Christmas card photo). I took him to a lot of places I went to and he’s even flown on planes with me. He was also a riding buddy to my husband in the moving truck when we moved from the States to Canada and Canada to Arizona, his final resting place.
My attention to him went downhill when my children were born. As a new mom and having them only 17 months apart, I was very much busy all day, everyday. All my energy was with our girls and it was hard for me to keep the whole household together those early years as a mom so he was a bit neglected.
I also had a big loss in 2012, my only sister passed away and that grief still exists today but I was not doing well that first year, I was barely being a mom to my girls, and barely surviving. We moved to Arizona shortly after, and it took awhile before I felt like myself again. During this period of time, Merlot was last on the list of things I needed to do everyday, that was all I could give him.
By the time we moved here, he was already starting to get old. His health really deteriorated in the last 3 years, he started to go blind and losing his hearing. Even in the last couple of months, he couldn’t even hear me clap when I was really close to him. His back was arching out more and he was beginning to have more accidents in the house the last year.
Every time I had brought him into the vet for anything that seemed unusual or had a wheezing cough, the doctor never find anything wrong with him. We had even ruled out kennel cough because the medicine didn’t work. He would have periods of this loud honking cough that lasted a couple of weeks. I even had him x-ray’d and didn’t find anything wrong and the cough would go away on its own.
I had been researching about when was the right time to put down a dog and his behavior on his last night just added too many checks to that list. I decided with my husband that it was time, his face showed it, you can’t miss it.
It’s the most difficult decision we could make for him but is one made with love, we just couldn’t see him in pain anymore. Luckily, we had our cousin stay with us over the weekend, and she stayed with our girls, who were fast asleep since this was in the middle of the night, so we were both able to go with Merlot to the 24 hour emergency hospital.
We had our last moments with him and he was gone.
Why I feel so sad now is that I wish I gave him more attention these last few years. He was taken for granted and I didn’t appreciate him like I did before. I feel like I’ve failed his teachings of being patient and loving unconditionally. He was the master of both of these qualities with us.
I didn’t think his passing would be such an impact on my life, after all he’s just a dog (how I’ve heard it from my family all my life). It’s even hard to admit I feel this way because he’s just a dog. Well, guess what? He’s not just a dog, he’s been with me for 13 years and anyone that’s been with me that long, that loyal, that patient with me, that loving to me, is family.
I just wish I reciprocated his patience and love, especially in his last year, when it got harder to take care of him. I know I’ve always loved him, but my impatience sometimes made me not show him the love he deserved.
I also wonder if we decided too early to put him down, this has been weighing on me heavily. I wonder if we could have waited til our girls got up in the morning to say their last good-byes. So many questions roam around my head that I can’t think about anything else since he’s past.
I just hope my sister received him on the other side and that she can take care of him while I’m still here. I can’t wait to see both of them again someday.
I love you. I loved you always even during my darkest days. I’m sorry if I have been impatient with you. Please know I’ve always loved you no matter what. It’s been so difficult here without you for all of us.
Your sneezes always made me annoyed, but I could only wish I had one more sneeze from you.
You’ve been apart of me for a long time, you’re family. I thank you for all you’ve taught me, and I can only hope I can be as good at love and patience as you were. I have the rest of my life to perfect these two qualities you tried to instill in me.
You’ll never be forgotten but will be missed everyday. You’ll always be in our hearts.