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I was debating to whether to write about this on here as it has nothing to do with its niche. This blog is a part of me and I am a real human behind it, so I think if you’re going to follow me to learn about how to make money online, you will sometimes hear about my life. Hope that’s okay.
This past weekend, my pug of 13 years passed away. He was named Merlot, after the red wine I used to drink a lot of during that time. I’ve always wanted pug as long as I can remember. I finally was able to get one when I rented an apartment that allowed dogs. It was my first apartment with my then boyfriend, who’s now my husband of ten years, and even though he wasn’t fond of small dogs, he knew how much I wanted one so he obliged and we went on our search.
We visited many pug breeders and finally found one that was just right. 🙂 He was so tiny when we first visited him:
He stayed with his mommy for 12.5 weeks and I was able to pick him on my birthday in Sep 2003. It was the best birthday present ever! He was so shy when he first came into our home. He was in fact frozen and didn’t really move. We even tried giving him a toy and he stayed very still:
We finally won his heart by offering him a piece of dog food. Ever since then that first bite of food, he was part of our family forever.
He was such a sweet dog, kind, happy, loyal, friendly – not a bad vibe in his bones nor in the core of his being. He was by me through so much. He never asked for much, just food and sleep.
His two most favorite thing: Eat and Sleep. When he ate, he was so top heavy and so into his food that both of his hind legs would lift up so he can dig his face into his bowl. That was the funniest thing he’s ever done, I don’t think I’ve ever taken a picture of that, now I wished I did.
He had a great life those first 6 years. I used to take him to pug parties in Chicago, where we lived at the time and where he was born. Pugs and their pug owners would gather at a certain place and all the pugs would get to play together. It was always a fun event.
I used to dress him up for different occasions especially for Halloween and Christmas (for Christmas card photo). I took him to a lot of places I went to and he’s even flown on planes with me. He was also a riding buddy to my husband in the moving truck when we moved from the States to Canada and Canada to Arizona, his final resting place.
My attention to him went downhill when my children were born. As a new mom and having them only 17 months apart, I was very much busy all day, everyday. All my energy was with our girls and it was hard for me to keep the whole household together those early years as a mom so he was a bit neglected.
I also had a big loss in 2012, my only sister passed away and that grief still exists today but I was not doing well that first year, I was barely being a mom to my girls, and barely surviving. We moved to Arizona shortly after, and it took awhile before I felt like myself again. During this period of time, Merlot was last on the list of things I needed to do everyday, that was all I could give him.
By the time we moved here, he was already starting to get old. His health really deteriorated in the last 3 years, he started to go blind and losing his hearing. Even in the last couple of months, he couldn’t even hear me clap when I was really close to him. His back was arching out more and he was beginning to have more accidents in the house the last year.
Every time I had brought him into the vet for anything that seemed unusual or had a wheezing cough, the doctor never find anything wrong with him. We had even ruled out kennel cough because the medicine didn’t work. He would have periods of this loud honking cough that lasted a couple of weeks. I even had him x-ray’d and didn’t find anything wrong and the cough would go away on its own.
He was very slow the last few months, just looking old, slept a lot, more accidents, and his tail was down sometimes but he was still excited about meal times.
I had been researching about when was the right time to put down a dog and his behavior on his last night just added too many checks to that list. I decided with my husband that it was time, his face showed it, you can’t miss it.
It’s the most difficult decision we could make for him but is one made with love, we just couldn’t see him in pain anymore. Luckily, we had our cousin stay with us over the weekend, and she stayed with our girls, who were fast asleep since this was in the middle of the night, so we were both able to go with Merlot to the 24 hour emergency hospital.
We had our last moments with him and he was gone.
Why I feel so sad now is that I wish I gave him more attention these last few years. He was taken for granted and I didn’t appreciate him like I did before. I feel like I’ve failed his teachings of being patient and loving unconditionally. He was the master of both of these qualities with us.
I didn’t think his passing would be such an impact on my life, after all he’s just a dog (how I’ve heard it from my family all my life). It’s even hard to admit I feel this way because he’s just a dog. Well, guess what? He’s not just a dog, he’s been with me for 13 years and anyone that’s been with me that long, that loyal, that patient with me, that loving to me, is family.
I just wish I reciprocated his patience and love, especially in his last year, when it got harder to take care of him. I know I’ve always loved him, but my impatience sometimes made me not show him the love he deserved.
I also wonder if we decided too early to put him down, this has been weighing on me heavily. I wonder if we could have waited til our girls got up in the morning to say their last good-byes. So many questions roam around my head that I can’t think about anything else since he’s past.
I just hope my sister received him on the other side and that she can take care of him while I’m still here. I can’t wait to see both of them again someday.
Dear Merlot,
I love you. I loved you always even during my darkest days. I’m sorry if I have been impatient with you. Please know I’ve always loved you no matter what. It’s been so difficult here without you for all of us.
Your sneezes always made me annoyed, but I could only wish I had one more sneeze from you.
You’ve been apart of me for a long time, you’re family. I thank you for all you’ve taught me, and I can only hope I can be as good at love and patience as you were. I have the rest of my life to perfect these two qualities you tried to instill in me.
You’ll never be forgotten but will be missed everyday. You’ll always be in our hearts.
Love,
Mama/Master/Babe!
Dear Grace,
This is such a heart moving story, a love letter to your doggie. I can feel your love and your grief through your words! So good that you wrote his story down!
I have been in similar situations – and I am right now in it – when the decision needs to be made if it is better to let an animal in pain die in suffering or lighten the pain – by killing him. It is a terrible decision, but when we make it, be sure, you did it with the best and most loving thoughts and feelings, and it cannot be wrong.
Yes, the regrets are there, for the creature which was so patient and we kind of ignore them, give them less love than they would need. But we are human, we have only a certain amount of energy, we are no “super-women” who can do everything right all the time, it is just too much. Your pug has still had a good time with you, he still feels your loving presence, although you might not have had enough time for him. Animals sort of understand that.
I wish you that you can forgive yourself and him, the circumstances and the world for what has been and to come back with new energy and joy!
With love
Heidi
Oh Heidi, you had me in tears again. Thank you so much for your kind words. It really helps to have another pet owner supporting what we had to do. I know he was in a lot of pain. He couldn’t even lay down, tail down, vomitting. I just couldn’t see him go through more.
I hope in some spiritual way he knows how much I love him, even when I didn’t show it enough.
I know I have to find forgiveness to truly move forward, I hope I can do this sooner than later.
Appreciate you so much Heidi, your words mean the world to me.
With so much love,
Grace
Oh my, Grace I’m writing this with tears pouring down my cheek. You’re not alone with regrets for impatience shown, as well as your feelings of guilt for a lack of quality time spent with Merlot. I too have berated myself for the same issues, and can only say that I hope I’m a better pet owner to my 2 girls now.
My little Shih Tzu Nugget was my little-man who was with me through some very nasty times … and I miss him terribly.
Your sister will definitely be taking care of him for you, as my family will be taking care of my Nugget … I’m sure of it. Heaven wouldn’t be heaven without your Merlot waiting for you and my Nugget waiting for me. {{{HUGS!}}}
Thank you Trish for taking your time to write me, I so appreciate your loving words.
I’m so glad you are able to tell that I’m not alone with the impatience and guilt, this brings me some comfort knowing other pet owners go through the same thing too. My husband feels the same, and we’re going through this together, thank goodness, but having you having similar experience brings a little relief in a way. I think forgiving myself will be key to my recovery from this, just not sure when I can do that.
You’re right, my sister probably has him, I wish for a sign from them.
Thank you again for your visit here, I’m so grateful.
Grace
Sorry for your loss Grace. Beautiful post, I was almost in tears. Know this – you made his life special. It really sounds like you had some great times. It’s not easy when a pet dies, I know this from experience. Take care x
Thank you Craig. I so appreciate you sending me a warm message. I hope he enjoyed his life even during times that I couldn’t pay attention to him as much. His passing sure has made an impact on me and it’s been hard to process it all.
Your kinds words certainly help, thank you again.
Grace
This article brought up a flood of memories and feelings…..when I had to put my ‘Bilbo’ to sleep, I held him and petted him and watched him staring at me as life left his eyes….it was a heart-wrenching and painful moment that will never be forgotten. I also had to release my baby sister from her coma some years later….I felt like a murderer and at the same time happy for her to be released from her bondage. We had made a blood pack with each other to never allow the other to be a living vegetable….then her health failed, etc……you have put your heart into words better than most authors. As one who had to go through the same things….remember this…your precious Merlot loved you, more than you give yourself credit for. Hold onto your name ‘Grace’….it has much meaning. Pay heed to the little signs you see around you and messages come … maybe a dream, a ‘coincidence’ event at the perfect moment, even signs from nature itself….in time, because it is so very hard at first….it is not the quantity of time spent, it is the quality of the love itself….and you loved your Merlot beyond measure.
Hi Rosie, thank you so much for your kind words. I can’t imagine what you felt like releasing your sister. That sends chills through my body reading it. It was last resort I’m sure and she’s probably very happy you released her from that failing body. Death is never easy, doesn’t matter how it happens. Just that if you’re part of that decision, you have a lot of guilt that comes with the grief, that’s what I mostly feel now. I wish he had passed by himself and that I didn’t have to make that decision. I guess that’s just being selfish. I don’t want him to have a painful death either, but I wish I could have just waited one more day or two.
Your words are very helpful to me, and I hope I will see signs soon.
Thank you again, I’m so grateful for you.
Grace
It is I that thanks you; so many times we feel alone with our feelings.. it is comforting to know one is not alone.
Aww, thanks Rosie, you are right to know we are together and not alone. I’m so happy we can be of help to each other. 🙂
You made me cry. That’s all I can tell.
I still didn’t get over of the loss of my first dog (Bubica) that was with me for 13 years. I found her when she was gone, and that was the saddest moment in my entire life. She was not just a dog; she was my family.. 🙁 <3
And after her, two more were gone. They disappeared, so for them, I still hope they will show up or at least they have some home somewhere.
I wish I haven't read your post since I feel very sad now. But also I know that they are all waiting for us somewhere up in the sky, and until we meet again, they are our guardian angels <3
RIP Merlot. You were (are) so cute <3
Sorry to hear about this Sunny, to bring up your grief again. It was therapeutic for me to write it, and it helped me a bit to move forward. I know your dog Bubica will be waiting for you and until that day, our dogs will be taken care of, I’m sure.
I hope you will feel better Sunny.
Grace
Grace, this is a really very touching post. Pets are family members and losing them is very unbearable.
Hi Barnali,
Thanks for your thoughts and kind words. We do miss him very much, it’s not the same without him.
Grace
I agree that losing a pet can be just as hard as te passing of a member of the family (which they ultimately become”. I remember when I found our black Persian cat in the neighbours yard. she was an old cat and we put it down to age. Over the years the family had a few dogs and the collie ‘Pixie” died fro a poison bait. I suspect it had been put down by the neighbour to remove the problem with rats. Much water has passed under the bridge since Merlot went to the “happy hunting ground” so I hope the wound has healed to some degree.
George
Hi George, that’s so nice of you to write such kind words, I’m grateful for them. Yes, I have healed a bit by now but still miss him tons. 🙂
Appreciate your warmth,
Grace
I loss my pugsley December11th just a few days ago had to put him to sleep the saddest day what do I do now taking this hard I love him so much it was him and I for 12years
Good bye my baby you are now with Jesus